pity party

Quote of the day:

Sometimes you're the windshield
Sometimes you're the bug

Another one of my all time favorite quotations that my friend has on display on her refridgerator.

Tonight I went to my family's annual costume party. I use the term family loosely. My step-brothers' families...one step-brother, my step-mother's sisters and one husband...none with any particular interest in me. My father and sisters...and my sister's fiance...they seemed to be slightly more interested. Everyone seems to love my kids but god forbid them ever make any kind of hint that they are interested in seeing us. We go out of our way to see all of them but I just feel like an intruder at my own family functions. I tried to talk to my step-sister-in-law and my step-mother physically broke me off and told me that she was busy and didn't want to talk now. ??? It was supposed to be a surprise bridal shower for my sister and instead of doing anything in particular for it, my step-mother put all of the gifts in a laundry basket and brought them out with my sister when she was leaving the house...she said she was basically kicked out of the house. Is that the strangest bridal shower ever? So, since the kids were tired and I had to leave earlier than my sister, I didn't even get to see her get my gift, let alone OPEN the thing. No cake or nothing...how lame.

Anyway, I left the affair with tears welling in my eyes. I have always longed for a place where I felt that I was wanted...where I felt that I belonged. I guess that is my family now. My children and husband love me...no matter what a pain I am. I want to provide a loving environment for my children. One that they can love coming back to on holidays when they are adults...one that maybe they won't be able to get to because of their busy lives...but here I am making every effort to get to my parents' house all the time and I always feel like an intruder. I guess there are some things that you model after your parents and some things that you use your parents as the "anti-model"...and here is one of those things. I want my children to feel like they belong...to feel that I love them and enjoy their company. I don't understand how a parent can want any different for their children.

Sorry...pity party. I may delete this tomorrow but I am pretty down tonight so I will go forward with the post.