Depressed again

Interesting. Manic for two days and now bottom of the barrel. Actually, I might have been manic for more than that...or ramping up. I am hitting the depressed section though because I have tons of ideas but I can feel myself shutting down and closing off socially. I guess when I am manic I say too much and (though I feel totally comfortable at the time) embarass myself. Then as I slow down I start to think and rethink everything I've said and done and work myself into an even greater depression than it would have been if I had simply closed myself in a room for the mania.

So now instead of feeling like I should be in a different relationship...like I could have a relationship that is in any way more fulfilling than the one I have currently...I spend the day thinking about how my husband deserves more than me and I should leave him so that he could have a worthwhile wife, so that my children could have a better mother, etc. I am not so totally in a depression that I can't tell that I am not rational. I know I'm not rational. That is keeping me sane. And all the while I am keeping myself together enough that no one even notices a difference. Well, they probably know that I was a little "off" for the last couple of days but I am back to normal now.

Interesting to note though that my two really strong days of mania were the first two days of my birth control pack. I am going to the psychiatrist tomorrow. Apparently the Lamictal intereferes with a lot of different birth control pills and you need higher levels of hormones than you would normally. Ironic really because now you are putting more hormones into your body making your mood change more drastic between the filler pill and the actual pill because you are taking something to moderate your mood changes. Might you be better off if you just didn't take the Lamictal in the first place so that you didn't have those additional mood swings? Here you are medicating the effects of the medicine...and this is how I see the rest of my life playing out. Not that it matters anyway since I am sure that we will find out shortly that Diet Coke causes stomach cancer or something and I am totally addicted to Diet Coke so I won't make it too long one way or the other.

On the bright side though, I got a job. I LOVE LOVE LOVE not being a stay at home mom. In fact, not having to stay home for the last week has made me realize just how much I HATE staying at home. I don't know how some people can love it and some people can hate it...and I honestly feel that it is a sign of weakness, not being able to stay home to raise your own children. Regardless, I feel that this is the best option for my family. I can live with being weak more than I can deal with hating my children which is where I am on altogether too many evenings. It takes a lot of strain off of my husband who takes the brunt of my job dissatisfaction. It is so much better for my children to have a happy mother, have socialization with other children, have structured routines, and have other adult positive role models who don't have the mental issues that their mother does. And, of course, it is nice financially.

Anyway, we will see how things start going now that I have some forced structure in my life. For now, good night.